Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
