I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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