I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
