The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
