when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
