It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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