i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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