There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
