wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
