he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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