nut hugger
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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