I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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