I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
