She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
