an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
