So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
