OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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