FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
