Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
