I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
