He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't deserve a penis
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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