i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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