You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
