Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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