she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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