He is such a slut. More and more my type.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
