Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
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Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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