How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
