Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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