You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
