he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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