yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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