i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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