are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
