I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
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U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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