i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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