Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
