My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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