Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
