3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
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