Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
