I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
