just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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