I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
