in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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