Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Randomize
