If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
someone owes me an orgasm
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
