I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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