I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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