; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
