i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
