Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
