2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
