there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
