When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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