i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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