I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
