I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
