Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
