I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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